Who Am I?

Me

Will the real me please stand up?

It's either that cheerful, joking, slightly provocative chippy over there with one kid slung on her hip, another on her shoulders, and chasing the third around the room pretending to be a spanking monster. What's that? She's married? Never would have guessed. Did you see the way she was laughing and carrying on with that fellow. So what if he's 78, still not right to behave that way.

Or is that sweater-wearing, tired, angry old dowd over there. See her? All those kids hanging off of her and screaming. Is it only three she has then? Seems like seven from where I'm standing. God, do you think she ever smiles? Bet she feeds the kids weiners and fruit punch for lunch and supper. Those kids are out of control.

Could it be Mrs. Crunchy-Granola Breastfeeder over there. Look at her! Isn't that shameful. How many baby carriers does she need? One in a sling, another in a backpack and the third held by the hand. What are they actually buying organic bananas? Bet she makes those kids eat vegetarian half the time. And did you hear her just tell the oldest that she won't buy him yogurt because it's full of colouring and junk? Did she seriously just tell him they'll make their own yogurt? Who does that?! Bet she's still breastfeeding that baby too and he's got to be near two.

I don't suppose it's that nerdy one over there slamming away on her laptop. Sure she thinks she's going to write an amazing novel or some thought provoking short-story. Next Fitzgerald, I suppose. Can't be her, I don't see children draped all over her.

And it's definiely not that one over there with a cellphone and briefcase rushing her way off to the law office from 7am-8pm. Yes, well, I suppose it could have been, but it certainly isn't.

Which one do you think it is?

If you think it's the one who writes the Readily A Parent column, syndicated to one daily and six weeklies in Newfoundland and you're interested in running future columns or reprinting past ones, please contact me at darasquires AT gmail.com.